Saturday, December 8, 2012

Why Winter Movie Premieres Suck

Movie premieres in winter suck for the following reasons:

1. It's cold.
2. It's dark.

It's cold, so the stars tend not to linger outside, which means they don't go down the row to sign autographs because they don't want to freeze their keisters off. After all, do you ever see celebrities holding coats on the red carpet? No, you do not. That's because they don't wear them on the red carpet, because it gets in the way of whatever fabulousness they happen to be wearing. (They could wear coats, though. I would gladly volunteer for the job of coat-holder if it meant I could follow someone like Richard Armitage around on a regular basis.)

It's cold, so even if the stars are awesome and do brave the frigid temperatures to visit their fans, they don't stay very long because they are, as previously mentioned, freezing their keisters off. They may sign a few autographs and pose for some pictures, but they obviously can't get to everyone. (Not that they can do this even in the summer, but when it's 30 degrees Fahrenheit, and you can't feel your fingers, I don't expect that they can sign that legibly.)

It's cold, so you are freezing your keister off.

It's dark, so you have to strain to see who just got out of that car, if you can even see them from your vantage point and there isn't a massive bus blocking your line of sight because it never occurs to anyone to block off the street with the theater. And no one realizes that that guy was Chevy Chase until someone across the street screams in recognition, because what is Chevy Chase doing at the premiere of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey anyway?

It's dark, so your pictures come out crappy. Especially when you only discover that the battery in your camera is dead when you pull it out to take a picture, and you have to settle for the camera on your phone. Oops.

On Thursday, I went to the New York City premiere of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. And when I say "I went", I mean that I huddled behind a barricade for two hours hoping for a glimpse of the stars of the movie. I was did not actually attend the premiere, because I did not have $500 to buy a ticket. I actually thought this was self-explanatory, but I have had a few people ask me how the movie was, and I have to say that, no, actually I didn't see the movie, trust me if I had seen the movie, you would know that I had seen the movie.

Two of the most awesome people on the history of the planet are Andy Serkis and Ian McKellen. Andy Serkis did his best to sign everything. He stayed outside for maybe 20 minutes, going up and down the barricade signing things. Ian McKellen only went partway, but when he saw there were more people, he came back and did some more signing. And they were both lovely.

Elijah Wood, Aidan Turner, Jed Brophy, James Nesbitt, and Dean O'Gorman signed for a little bit but couldn't stay long. Peter Jackson and Lee Pace went right inside. Martin Freeman must have Apparated inside, because no one saw him arrive, but there are pictures of him and his wife, so clearly he was there.

The coolest thing was that they gave out Gandalf hats to the people who were waiting at the barricade, even though I almost lost mine when the autograph dealers rushed the barricade and shoved their arms in everyone's faces. I don't know if any of you have seen my video for how not to be obnoxious when trying to get autographs, but suffice it to say that pushing is not cool.

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